Mary Jacoby Hastings - Volume I Winter 2012
All Write Imagineering - Accuracy & Creativity Global Perspective
The Imagineer
Volume I           Winter 2012
 
A Publication of All Write Imagineering
 
Tips, tidbits, a little bit of this and a little bit of that to entertain and inform
about the world of language...
the English language that is.
 
by Mary Jacoby Hastings
 
"When you lose, don't lose the lesson."
 
 
In This Issue
 
  • Getting a Kick Out of Language from a Funny Guy and Master Verbivore
  • Lessons in Language
  • Social Media and Children
  • Text Messaging Scams
  • New Languages Invented by Consumerism: Small, Medium or Large?
  • Words to Live By
  • Grammar Quiz
 
 
Words to Live By
 
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
 
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
 
Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
 
Grammar Quiz
 
What are the rules for using that, which and who?
 
Answer:
 
"Who" or "That"
 
Who and that are used when referring to persons. Select who when the individual person or the individuality of a group is meant and that when a class, species or type is meant.
 
Examples
 
"She is the only one of my students who can speak French fluently."
"He is the kind of student that should take advanced math."
 
 
"Which" or "That"
 
Which and that are used when referring to places, objects and animals. Which is always used to introduce nonessential clauses*, and that is ordinarily used to introduce essential clauses.
 
Examples
 
"Laura's report on personnel benefits, which I sent you last week, should be of some help."
(Which introduces a nonessential clause.)
 
"The report that I sent you last week should be of some help."
(That introduces an essential clause.)
 
 
"That" AND "Which"
 
It has become more acceptable for writers to introduce an essential clause with that or which; however which is preferred to that (1) when there are two or more parallel essential clauses in the same sentence, (2) when that has already been used in the same sentence or (3) when the essential clause is introduced  by an expression such as this...which, that...which, these which, or those...which.
 
 
 
*Nonessential Clause: words contained in a sentence, which if left out of the sentence, would not change the message of the sentence.
 
 
Getting a Kick Out of Language from a Funny Guy and Master Verbivore
 
I get a real kick out of Richard Lederer’s writing. He is a former English teacher and prolific collector of some of the funniest bloopers and blunders ever. Lederer coined the term verbivore, which he explains this way, “Carnivores eat meat; herbivores eat plants and vegetables; verbivores devour words.”  
 
That’s me, a classic verbivore because I eat up the world of words with a particular affinity for hilarious typos and misinterpretations of our language.
 
Years ago, I picked up Lederer’s Anguished English (Bantam Doubleday Dell Publishing Group, 1989: http://doubleday.knopfdoubleday.com) and still laugh every time I leaf through the pages. The book is described as “an amusing anthology of assaults upon the English language, from wanted ads to mixed metaphors. It includes such advertisement bloopers as: ‘for sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers’ and, ‘Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.’ Anguished English is the ridiculously funny anthology of accidental assaults upon our common language. From bloopers and blunders to signs of the times to mixed-up metaphors...from two-headed headlines to mangling modifiers...it's a collection that will leave you roaring with delight and laughter.”
 
I recommend this book to anyone that loves to laugh and finds humor in the most subtle and completely obvious assaults on the English language. Scholars like Lederer have made me keenly aware of the importance of paying attention to semantics and the human flaw of seeing what we think we’re supposed to see instead of what is really right in front of us.
 
Richard Lederer was born on May 26, 1938 and has authored more than 35 books on language history and humor. He holds the title of International Punster of the Year and calls himself, “A fly-by-the-roof-of-the-mouth user- friendly English teacher, Wizard of Idiom, Attila the Pun, and Conan the Grammarian.”
 
Lederer is a product of the Masters of Arts and Teaching program at Harvard, which led to a position at St. Paul's School, in Concord, NH, where he taught English and media for 27 years. He earned his Ph.D. in English and Linguistics from the University of New Hampshire. You can learn more about him at www.verbivore.com.
 
Lessons
in Language
 
Volume I
 
Aphorisms
and
Paraprosdokians
 
Aphorisms
 
A friend recently shared aphorisms with me that I think are worth sharing. An aphorism is a short, pointed sentence that expresses a wise or clever observation or general truth.
 
The nicest thing about the future is...that it always starts tomorrow.
 
Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.

Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

Paraprosdokians
 
A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

 
Social Media and Children
From NetSmartz
 
Children are at great risk when using social media for many reasons; including, being in danger of being contacted by predatory pedophiles or being "cyberbullied."  Be sure to keep up with your kids' online and mobile activities, including social networking and gaming. Profiles that appear to represent other children could be false profiles created by someone else. For more on protecting your children online, visit NetSmartz www.netsmartz.org from the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children
 
_________________________
 
DA Warns Consumers about Text Messaging Scams
 
From Scott W. Storey, District Attorney, First Judicial District, Jefferson/Gilpin Counties
 
First Judicial District Attorney Scott Storey is warning consumers to be wary of a new approach to an old scam.  Phishers have discovered text messaging.  The District Attorney’s fraud line has recently received numerous calls about scammers taking advantage of this popular new technology.           
 
For years scammers have tried various methods to get your personal and financial information.  Phishing scams were originally perpetrated by phony telemarketers representing themselves as an employee of your financial institution. They would tell unsuspecting consumers that their account had been compromised.  The scammer would then ask for personal financial information saying that they would then close the compromised account and conduct an investigation.  With your personal financial information in hand, scammers can drain a bank account in a very short period of time. 
 
Once email arrived on the scene it didn’t take long for wily fraudsters to move on to this method of electronic communication.  They could generate mass email broadcasts, often at random, and hit thousands of people at once.  If just one person falls for the scam the scammer has had a good day.
 
Today we are seeing this scam in a new format, the text message.  The calls we are receiving describe essentially the same scam.  The consumer receives a text message alleged to be from their bank or financial institution.  The fraudulent text message warns the consumer that their account has been restricted or shut down as a result of some sort of fraud.  The consumer who receives the text message is told to call a 1-800 number and provide their account number, routing number, names, address and other personal identifying information.  These 1-800 numbers often route the caller to an automated system where their information is keyed in rather than provided to an actual person.
 
Consumers are sometimes getting repeated text messages, telling them that it is “urgent” or “critical” that they contact the 1-800 number immediately to protect their accounts.  The text message and email format is generally vague, not identifying a specific bank or financial institution. 
 
The use of an 800 number with voice prompts and an automated system helps hide the scammer’s voice and identity.  The person sending the message can be anyone texting from anywhere.         
 
“Your bank will not contact you by text or email regarding fraud on your account,” reminds Storey, “Do not respond to the text messaging inquiries or emails.  If you have concerns go to your bank or call their fraud department directly.”  If you have questions or concerns contact the District Attorney’s Economic Crime Specialist Deb Ohno, 303-271-6931.
___________________________
 
 
New Languages Invented By Consumerism
 
Small, Medium or Large?
 
I’ve come up with a new reason to avoid fast food restaurants, although it will take a lot more to break me of this unhealthy habit.  I haven’t yet figured out how to decipher the code when it comes to drink sizes. In essence, consumerism has led to the invention of "new" or "restored" terms that continue to redefine the English language.
 
Starbucks uses names like “tall, grande and venti,” Latin names sure to intimidate most novices. Seasoned Starbucks’ customers know how to interpret the codes: a “tall” is really a small while the “grande” describes their medium-size category and really serious connoisseurs know to order the “venti,” the most substantial size, which can best be described as the chain’s version of a “large” beverage.
 
Sonic beverage size choices include small, large and Route 44. Don’t expect the coffee baristas at Starbucks to know how to serve a “Route 44;” it just doesn’t fit with the coffee culture.
 
The Wendy’s Hamburger chain offers the standard small, medium and large sizes but for the super thirsty, there is always an opportunity to upgrade to the “biggie” size.
 
McDonald’s, on the other hand, will serve beverages in small, medium and large, but for the insatiable there is the option to “Super Size.” The restaurant chain changed their menu offerings, which now includes an ample amount of thirst-quenching libation in the medium size, which is really a transformed “more politically correct” large.  A truly “large” beverage at McDonald’s, the once “super size” variation, challenges the thirstiest of drinkers to finish one cup in less than half a day.
 
I can’t leave out the 7-11 “Big Gulp,” an economical, astronomical plastic container of endless thirst-quenching satisfaction.
 
Please, I just want a “medium” but I never know how much I’m getting at one drive-thru to the next thanks to marketing gurus.
 
The precedent has been set. Just about anyone can make up new words and have an impact on the entire economy as we know it!
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